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COLUMNS

Yes, there are more than two types of people in the world

Mike Christopherson
mchristopherson@crookstontimes.com
Mike Christopherson

I've long contended that, among the billions of people who call this planet home, there really are only two types of people occupying the globe, those with a talent for storytelling, and those who can clear a room after an awkward, uncomfortable, or worst of all, boring 30 seconds of trying to tell a story. It actually becomes quite the witty yarn when I explain the case I’ve built up in order to make my claim. My wife, of course, would counter that my contention that the planet is populated with only good storytellers and poor storytellers leads to a third type of person: Those who constantly interrupt others.

But I've been around a while now, and with the passage of time has come the realization that there are almost countless other types of people sharing this world with me. The other day I started making a list in my head, and my brain almost burst.

So I jotted a few down...

• People who hit their golf ball from out of bounds – assuming without adding a penalty stroke – and those who pick up their ball and place it back into play, in accordance with the rules.

• People who put an extra space after every single period of every single sentence they type, and then, when challenged, claim that some teacher long ago or some ancient textbook indicated that putting a second space after every sentence is one of the ten punctuational commandments...and people who put only a single, proper space after every sentence. (Don’t get me started on the Oxford comma.)

• People who wave first when they're in a boat on a lake and come across another boat on the lake - they're also known as Minnesotans - and those who never wave first, and often don't even offer up a reciprocal wave when greeted with a wave. They're also known as North Dakotans.

   • People/guys, even some larger fellows with ample physiques, who think that wearing sleeveless shirts in the summer is the height of casual yet chic fashion, and people/guys who tried on a sleeveless shirt once, took a look at themselves in the mirror, and took it off so fast they ripped it. (They also still have nightmares to this day that they open their closet to find a sleeveless shirt on every hangar.) 

• People who absolutely love all of these "seltzers" spiked with alcohol to choose from at the liquor store, and people who think every single one of them tastes like hell.

• People who have a filter when it comes to what they post and, more importantly, do not post on social media, and those who lack said filter and post everything. Every gripe, every detail about their kids’ lives, many of which their kids, one would think, would like to see remain private, every close-up photo of something weird growing on their face...everything.

• People, likely with young-enough children, who think the streaming service Disney+ is the best thing ever, and people who scrolled through the Disney+ plus programming menu once and wondered, “People actually pay for this? Animated films, cartoons and comic book blockbusters?”

• People who read a status update a sentence or two in length on a news outlet’s social media page, but don’t click on the link to the full story, and yet go off half-cocked and ill-informed, with a thread of off-base comments, and people who read the entire story first – unlimited digital access for only a couple bucks a month – and consider joining the comment thread fray, but after looking at the cosmic display of ignorance, decide against it.

• People who stop at stop signs, and people who can’t be troubled to bother with more than a rolling stop, or, worse yet, what I like to call a “rolling acceleration.” (And don’t get me started on the motorists doing 50 in a 30 mph zone on University Avenue.)

• People who dig me, and people who’d like to dig my grave.