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Christopherson Column: The apocalypse is indeed upon us

Mike Christopherson
Crookston Times

    Longtime National Football League writer Peter King, way back when his Monday Morning Quarterback column was a weekly must read in Sports Illustrated magazine, would include humorous, insightful nuggets at the end of each column, which he coined, “This Week’s Signs that the Apocalypse is Upon Us.”

    Like many printed magazines, SI is a shell of its former self, and King left the magazine and filed his final Monday Morning Quarterback in May 2018.

    In the spirit of King’s witticisms on the pending end times, here are some possible signs that the vibrating ground under your feet isn’t an earthquake, it’s the pounding hooves belonging to the quartet of horses ridden by the doomsday Four Horsemen.

Image by artist/cartoonist Trey Everett

    And we’re off!

    • On a recent episode of House Hunters on HGTV, a pampered, pretentious young woman near Los Angeles was looking for a new condominium and brought her sensible, budget-conscious mom along with her. While looking at the kitchen in one of the units they were considering, home to what a normal person would consider to be attractive granite countertops, the young woman took one look at them and concluded that the dark granite pattern was a deal-breaker.

    Why, you ask?

    “That dark color is going to clash with the photos I post of my food,” she said.

    • Among the things my wife and I hauled to our curbside to be picked up during the recent fall clean-up week were a pizza oven and a yogurt maker. The pizza oven for some reason stopped fully cooking pizzas a while back, but the yogurt maker, which my wife dug out while cleaning out a big closet in the basement, was fully functional. It actually looked pretty cool, with individual little jars to make individual servings of yogurt. But my wife was looking to get rid of things we didn’t use, so to the curb it went.

    We grabbed a Sharpie marker and two Post-It Notes. On the Post-It Note we stuck to the pizza oven, we wrote, “Doesn’t work!” On the Post-It Note we stuck to the yogurt maker, we wrote, “Works! Enjoy!”

    Someone snatched up the pizza oven in less than a half-hour, but when the city crew came by a couple days later to load up our stuff, the yogurt maker was still there.

    • Obviously, the Minnesota Vikings season has been subpar so far, to say the least, and it looks like a roster rebuild is unavoidable. Various Twin Cities sportswriters, as a result, have been projecting which prominent, established players might be trade bait.

    “Key to any rebuild,” one scribe noted, “is finding a willing trade partner for Kirk Cousins.”

    If someone actually trades for Cousins after the season and takes on his salary, expect basketball-sized hail splashing in blood-red seas.

    • The print journalism industry has been experiencing an apocalypse for years now, but the news was no less depressing last week when Twin Cities alternative weekly publication, City Pages, was shuttered by its owner, the Minneapolis Star-Tribune.

    Many years ago, between City Pages and its slightly mellower competitor, the Twin Cities Reader, metro-area residents were never short on cutting-edge, biting and trendy journalism.

    Adding to the sad vibes was someone’s note on social media pointing out that the entire payroll for the City Pages’ staff amounted to less than the $650,000 or so that Star-Tribune and Minnesota Timberwolves owner Glen Taylor is paying this year to former T-Wolf center Cole Aldrich, who hasn’t played for the Wolves in more than two years and was last seen playing in China.

    Some quick-hitters to wrap this up...

    • The lady from the Consumer Cellular commercial who interrupts the two dog-walkers to brag about how she sends videos daily of her dog “CiCi” to her three grandchildren. (Haven’t seen it? Then it’s best you don’t risk it. Never watch TV again.)

    • Someone thinking it was a nice fit for frenetic, frantic actor Jim Carrey to portray Joe Biden in Saturday Night Live skits.

    • The Papa John’s new “Papadia.” It’s a pizza folded in half!

    • The fact that this whole column forecasting the end of the world includes nary a political opinion or thought on the election. Maybe the four horses approaching on the horizon are actually unicorns.

Mike Christopherson